She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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