I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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