i think my tv is drunk
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
