Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
How external is "for external use only"?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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