State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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