Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you never un-have a 4some
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
