Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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