A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who died my cat blue again?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
