thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
