why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
