My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
