I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
