Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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