Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My bed smells like the plague
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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