Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
