You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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