I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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