Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
