I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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