Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
