Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
