Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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