Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
