New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
