Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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