Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
