Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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