I cannot find my penis.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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