$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
