Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
