I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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