whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
