I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
