I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
COCAINE IS GR8
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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