He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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