...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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