While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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