Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
