and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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