lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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