there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize
