I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
