I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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