Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
