I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
