I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
