So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
