i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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