I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
