You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
